just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
