I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize