I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
