If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
