I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
