I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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