1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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