I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
