Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize