I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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