so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
