I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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