the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
