Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
