OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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