I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
