Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
