and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
