When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
