I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My vagina is very pro this idea
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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