I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
