I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
