so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
