With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
