I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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