I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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