You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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