Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
