the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize