I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
