Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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