if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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