I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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