just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
