my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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