I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
