I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
