Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
