do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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