She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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