sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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