she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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