Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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