im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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