i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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