Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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