So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can't talk, ducks in the car
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
