My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
