My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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