The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
