So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
