i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
