I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
