just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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