My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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