meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
