never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize