I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
