When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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