Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
