I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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