Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
no more duck duck goose at the bar
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
