my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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