we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Green mimosas i think yes
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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