the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
