i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
