Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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